Did you ever commit one of these beard no-no’s? Here’s what you should never do with your beard.
Have you ever let your beard slide into the quicksand of beard no-no’s? I’m right there with you, standing ready to throw you a rope. I’ve had a beard for many years and occasionally I find that I’ve let it fall into the bottomless pit of fashion faux pas. Translation: my beard became a laughing stock. Without realizing it, I have actually let my beard turn me into a joke by committing one or more of the things a prudent beardsman should never do.
So I decided to make a list of the biggest beard no-no’s and post it prominently next to my bathroom mirror. That way it’s a constant reminder to stay vigilant and never, ever let my beard become a laughing stock again. I thought I’d post my list here to help any of you fellow beardsmen who might occasionally have the same problem. Here, then, is my list of beard no-no’s.
11 Beard No-No’s – Things You Should Never Do With Your Beard.
- Don’t sport a wild, unruly beard
Recent studies have found that both men and women find men with beards more attractive than clean-shaven men.
But the truth is, most people are not drawn to big, wild, unruly beards. These messy, unkempt briar-patches are just plain unattractive. Too often they remind people of homeless, dirty, dumpster-divers instead of the sexy lumberjack the wearer perhaps imagines he looks like. The fact is, most women are not attracted to that overgrown hair hurricane on your face.
My advice: wash it until it’s squeaky clean. Then scissor it into a manageable size and shape, and follow up with some beard oil like this one to keep it looking happy and healthy. Even guys who wear those giant ‘terminal’ beards, that have grown untrimmed for years, are diligent about making sure they groom those badboys.
Take the ZZ Top guys, for example. Yes, they have long, hairy beards, but they are not unkempt and unruly. It’s clear they regularly apply beard oil and otherwise take steps to ensure their beards are well groomed.
Remember, if you want to wear an oversized beard, there are ways to care for it so it doesn’t look like the butt of a joke. Check out these 7 Ways to Conquer a Naturally Unruly Beard for some excellent big-beard grooming tips.
- Don’t wear a weird, stylized beard (aka topiary beard)
Ok, now you’re just asking for trouble. Are you really that hard up for attention? I mean, c’mon, really? There’s the good kind of attention, like when a hot babe in a bar passes you a note that compliments your beard or, even better, asks you for a mustache ride. Ooh la la. Now that’s the kind of attention that will naturally curl your beard.
And then there’s the bad kind of attention, when those same ladies stop, point, and laugh hysterically. Just an FYI… you should want the good kind of attention, and do everything you can to avoid the bad kind.
The guys that grow these kinds of beards just don’t seem to care what kind of attention they get, as long as people are looking at them. I guess they must think they’re cool?
Hard to get inside the head of one of these dudes. They might look okay within the context of a beard styling competition, but just walking around in everyday life? No thanks. Don’t even think about doing this to your beard.
- Don’t dye your beard
In many ways the dyed beard falls into the same category as the topiary beard. Yes, my bearded brother, by all means dye your beard if you’re dying for attention. Har, har, get it? But if you’d rather get attention for the right reasons, perhaps you’d better rethink the purple beard thing.
There is just no good reason to dye your beard unless you’re trying to win a beard dying contest. And even that’s not a very good reason. Fashion be damned. Women aren’t interested in guys who dye their beards. They just aren’t. So our recommendation is to forgo the dye and let your beard grow in naturally. Even if you’re not an attention whore and you just want to cover some gray, you should still lay off the dye.
- Don’t wear a chin strap beard
My opinion here, but this is one of those beard styles that is just not very attractive. It’s considered a bit of a juvenile look inappropriate for anyone wanting to rise above mailroom jockey.
It was popular among early 90’s club-hoppers trying to look cool. Think padded shoulders and shiny suits and you’ll know what I’m talking about. Or movies where the bad guy holds his automatic guns sideways, one in each hand. He’s wearing a chinstrap beard. You don’t want to look like that guy, do you? Didn’t think so.
You also see this beard worn by guys wanting to hide a double chin. In reality, it only serves to highlight the offending chin. If you absolutely must wear this beard, make sure you have an angular and well-defined jaw line, since the beard will draw the eye to your jaw. And if your jaw is not a strong feature, why draw attention to it?
- Leave your muttonchops on the dinner plate
Again, feel free to disagree (you’re entitled to being wrong!). Unless you are some kind of mutant werewolf, or an 1860s Union Army general, this is not a beard that makes any sense whatsoever. How anyone in their right mind could possibly think this look is attractive is beyond me. It’s a bizarre swamp-person beard grown by someone who spends too much time in a back-woods shack sitting alone on a worn-out sofa watching old reruns on a 40-year old rabbit-eared TV.
What I’m trying to say is this beard is out of style. Way out. By at least 150 years. And on top of that, when it was in style it was considered really ugly. Women in petticoats carrying parasols would titter with laughter behind their little fans when old muttonchops-wearing Colonel Lingus would saunter past. Although one or two might also blush (probably because they realized this dude was missing the part of the beard that holds the magic).
Do not think for one minute that this would be a good look for you. It wouldn’t. Don’t ever grow the muttonchops beard. Ever.
- The neck beard? Seriously?
Tell me you are not seriously considering this beard. Why? What are you thinking? Psychologists around the world are wondering what would prompt a man to even consider such a thing. Even if you have a disfigured neck, like from that hanging that went so wrong… or so right, depending on whether you’re the hangor or the hangee. Bottom line, you should never sport a neck beard.
The only semi-logical reason to grow this monstrosity is if you’re trying to hide something on your neck. But if that’s the case, why not just grow a normal beard and don’t shave your neck? Oh no, that makes too much sense.
Why grow a beard only on your neck? Do you want to look ridiculous? And it’s not just ridiculous looking. It’s also scary ugly. Small children run screaming whenever they encounter a man sporting a neck beard. You don’t want that to happen to you while standing in line at the supermarket, do you?
You see a lot of comments online about the neck beard. All of them negative. Nobody can quite figure out why someone would do this to themselves. And yet, you do see these beards occasionally. I guess there always has to be a couple of weirdos to make a village. Promise me you won’t let yourself fall into that weirdo category.
- Don’t theme your beard
Here’s another what-is-he-thinking kind of beard. The truth is, the theme beard is usually grown by someone with a tongue-in-cheek sense of humor, and not intended to be worn long term. Most theme beard wearers quickly grow out their beards after the fun and laughter have subsided.
But still, there has to be easier ways to get a laugh, right? I mean, yes, everyone loves attention. And, yes, everyone loves to make other people smile. But if you’re thinking of wearing a theme beard, remember, you’ll be wearing it everywhere. Even where people don’t know you from Adam, and don’t know a theme from a thimble.
You’ll wear this quirky beard to work, to the supermarket, to weddings, to funerals, to traffic court, etc. And in most, if not all of these instances, people will have no idea why you’re wearing that strange looking beard. They may not be in on the theme joke. They’ll just think you’re odd.
- Don’t decorate your beard
You’d think this would go without saying, but sadly, no. There are men who love nothing more than putting little decorative dingleberries in their beard. I suppose that’s okay if it’s only for an hour or so, just don’t make a habit of it.
Maybe it’s Christmas Eve and you’re sitting around the fireplace in the bosom of your family. And, okay, maybe you’ve had a tad too much eggnog. Or you’re on your fourth Jack and Coke and you’re feeling festive. So you decide to stick a few small Christmas baubles in your beard for some laughs. Har, har, that’s hilarious. Sure, get the kiddies to stare at you with that quiet, serious, “I don’t understand what Uncle Binky is doing” look in their eyes.
As long as it’s for no more than one hour, one day per year, you have my permission to put crap in your beard. But don’t start making a habit of it. You don’t want to be known as that weird guy who wears crap in his beard, do you? Please, just say no.
- Never wear a Hitler (aka toothbrush) mustache
Do I really need to advise you of this major no-no? After all, this silly little mustache was the trademark look of Adolf Hitler, the worst mass murderer in world history. Not only that, but it’s ugly to boot. So who would want to be identified with Hitler? The correct answer is nobody.
But the fact is, this mustache was very popular in the 1920s and 1930s. It was made popular by none other than Charlie Chaplin during the 20s. Why Hitler wore this particular mustache is not known, although there was some speculation that he was a fan of Chaplin’s movies and adopted it to give himself a lighthearted, comical look. The people who speculated this were subsequently shot. The point is, don’t wear this goofy, ill-fated mustache. Go for something else. Anything else.
- Don’t forget to clean your beard
I shouldn’t have to tell you this, but it’s very important you keep your beard clean at all times. Food, dirt, pollen, insects, and all manner of other stuff can and does get trapped in your beard. If you don’t keep it clean it becomes a breeding ground for bacteria and other nasty stuff.
Fortunately, most men take the time to thoroughly wash their beards. It only becomes a problem when they are not properly cleaned and maintained. A beard should be washed every time you take a shower or wash your face, or both. Be sure to use a beard friendly shampoo like this one, designed specifically for beards. This will ensure your beard stays clean and germ-free. And the ladies will thank you.
Here is an excellent YouTube video demonstrating the proper way to wash a beard.
- Don’t shave off your beard
As we stated at the beginning of this post, “Recent studies have found that both men and women find men with beards more attractive than clean-shaven men.”
I rest my case.
I mean, what possible benefit do you expect to gain by shaving off your beard in light of this scientific finding? First of all, women dig guys with beards. Second of all, women like men who wear beards. And third of all… okay, you get the point.
And there are plenty of other reasons for keeping your beard, or growing one if you don’t already have one. Yes, it’s been proven that women like a man who sports a beard, but other reasons include the following:
- You never have to shave.
- A beard makes you feel more masculine.
- A beard makes you feel more confident.
- Beards help keep you healthy
- They demonstrate an independent and unconventional spirit.
- Beards force others to view you as a Greek god, even if they don’t really want to.
And these are just a few of the more common benefits. Others include the fact that a beard keeps your face nice and cozy in cold weather, and it also makes you appear more wise and distinguished. I could go on all day, but you now seem to understand how important having a beard is for your overall wellbeing.
And that concludes our list of beard no-no’s. Most of it is common sense and just having a clue as to what looks good and what doesn’t. For example, there are some really weird beard styles you should do everything you can to stay away from, like the neck beard or the Hitler mustache.
And don’t forget the beard care basics. It’s important to keep your beard clean and well groomed to avoid bacterial infections and passing germs on to others. Use a good quality beard shampoo and, afterward, make sure to condition it with a top beard oil.
The bottom line is that a beard is a great way to shake up your life and make some changes in the way you are seen by others. Ultimately, your beard will have a profound impact on the way you see yourself, as well. The benefits of wearing a beard are very real. Taken together, your beard should improve your self-image and make you feel happier about who you are.
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