How Fast Does Your Beard Grow?

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How fast does your beard grow, and other mindless midnight queries. Here’s the answer you’ve been losing sleep over.

how fast does your beard grow

How fast does a beard grow? How many grains of sand get stuck in the crotch of your bathing suit after a day in the surf? If a plane crashed on the border between the US and Canada, where would the survivors be buried? How many old rags can you stuff in my mouth before I stop asking questions?

How many thousands of sleepless nights have you spent asking yourself these and other moronic questions? Really? That many? Well, thankfully, we finally have all the answers. Let’s take a look, shall we?

How Fast Does Your Beard Grow?

As it turns out, all human hair grows at approximately the same rate. And what is that rate, you ask? About half an inch per month. So, by my calculations, in a year it would grow approximately….let’s see….carry the one…aha… nope….got it – 6 inches.

What does that mean for your particular beard? Well, assuming you have a normal beard pattern, in one year your yeard (beard grown for one year….get it?) will be about 6 inches. That’s a gnarly length, and one few men would scoff at and live to tell the tale.

If you think you know someone who can grow a full beard in a couple of weeks, it’s because he has thicker facial hair, which is not the same as longer. It just looks longer because it’s so full. His beard doesn’t grow any faster than yours, even though he’s much more masculine and virile. At least that’s what your wife tells us.

Are Eyelashes Considered Facial Hair?

Yes, binky, yes they are. And so are eyebrows. It turns out that any and all hair that grows anywhere on your face is considered facial hair. Does that include nose hair, you ask? Probably not, but we’ll get back to you on that one.

How Long Does It Take To Grow A Terminal Beard?

As it turns out, all beards will eventually stop growing at a certain point. That point is different for each man and is determined by your genetics. A beard that is never trimmed at all, and allowed to grow willy-nilly year in and year out until it finally just quits growing, is called a Terminal. It can take anywhere from 3 to 10 years to grow a full Terminal beard. The other interesting thing is that the growth rate slows down the longer the beard gets.

If A Plane Crashed On The Border Between The US And Canada, Where Would The Survivors Be Buried?

Nowhere. They are survivors. Hence, still breathing. One should never bury people who are still breathing.

You Are My Brother But I Am Not Your Brother. Who Am I?

Think, binky, think, for goodness sakes. You may need an organ donor someday. You know the answer to this. Okay, okay… I am your sister.

What Style Beard Should You Grow?

That depends on a couple of factors. First, it depends on how thick your facial hair comes in. If you have a heavy beard and need to shave at least once a day, you’ll be able to grow any kind of beard you like. If you have a lighter beard, you might consider the scruffy, unshaven look. Just go a week or so without shaving and see how it looks.

The other factor is the shape of your face. For example, don’t grow a chin-strap beard in order to hide a double chin. It doesn’t work and only draws attention to your chin. A full beard would do a much better job of hiding any facial imperfections. In your case, you’d better start growing that bad-boy now.

You finally have the answer to how fast your beard grows. Along with where to bury the survivors of a plane crash. If you have fairly thick facial hair you’ll have a gnarly 6-inch beard after a year of growing.

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Ms. Thompson is a beard aficionado and lover of all things beard. She is married to a bearded man who is currently working on his yeard; and can't wait to provide her opinions on the process. Her and her husband live on their farm with two rambunctious boys and their dog who hasn't figured out how to leave the livestock alone.